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A woman was paying for some items in a supermarket - a pint of milk, a packet of bacon, a small bag of rice and a few vegetables. The man at the checkout said, "I bet you're single, aren't you?"

"Well yes, I am," the woman replied. "How did you know?"

"Because you're really ugly," replied the man.
 

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MAYDAY MAYDAY, Mayday!
He - has a heart attack and dies.
She - frantic, grabs the mic and calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! The pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Someone help me! Please help me!"
She then hears a voice on the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear.
I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
Now, just take a deep breath, stay calm and everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She then says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Hillary"
"O.K." says the voice on the radio,
"Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven

Big John
 

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A girl was a prostitute but didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes and the girl was among them.

The police had all the prostitutes line up in a straight line. Along comes the grandmother and sees her grand-daughter. Grandma asks her grand-daughter, "What are you lining up for?"

Granddaughter, not willing to let her grandma know the truth told her grandma that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. Grandma wanted some oranges too, so she went to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from the prostitutes. When he got to the grandma, he was bewildered and asked, "You are so old, how do you do it?"

The grandmother (thinking he's asking her about how she can eat oranges) replies, "Oh, it's easy, I just take off my dentures and suck them dry!"
 

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^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I have that shirt LOL
 

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An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said, "What is it?" The husband said "She also stole a can of peas"
 

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When it was finally her turn to take care of the elderly Father Joe, the novice Joan was taken aside by the mother superior. “I must warn you,” she said, “that although Father Joe is old in body, he is young at heart. It is important that when you give him his bath, you never look below his waist. Other wise, he will become very excited.”
With that, Joan went to look after the aged priest. Shortly after in a big sob, Joan hunted out the mother superior. “Forgive me,” the novice said, “but when I was bathing father Joe, I – I looked down, and as you said, he became aroused.” “And what happened?” “I – I lay with him. He said that I would surely go to heaven if I let him put his key to the gates of St. Peter in my lock.” “Why, that old bastard!” The mother superior fumed. “For years, he has been telling me it’s Gabriel’s trumpet!”
 

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Back and forth. . . in and out. . .in and out . . .a little to the right. . . a little to the left . . . she could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . between her breasts. . .and, trickling down the small of her back. . . she was getting near to the end.
He was in ecstasy. . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved. . . forwards then backwards. . . forward then backward. . . again. . . and again. . . her heart was pounding now. . . her face was flushed . . . she moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder . . .finally . . . totally exhausted . . . she let out a piercing scream . . . . .
"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!" :)

Big John
 

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"I'm sorry Mickey, but your wife Minnie is filing a counter suit for defamation of character," said Mickey Mouse's lawyer.

"What, how," questioned Mickey, shocked by this revelation, "I'm just filing for divorce."

"According to her statement, you called her crazy," replied Mickey's lawyer.

"I never called her crazy," exclaimed Mickey, "I said she's [email protected]#$ing Goofy!"
 

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A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill".
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's d**k off".

The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
 

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A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.

Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down.

This goes on for a while when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more tail."

The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. I told her yesterday I needed more tail and she told me to 'go fly a kite'."
 

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Two- intoxicated gentlemen stood at the bar near closing time. “I’ve an idea,” said one, lesh have one more drink and then go find us shum girls.”
“Naw,” replied the other. “I’ve got more than I can handle at home.”
“Great,” replied the idea man. “Lesh have one more drink and go up to your place.”
 

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Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch..

All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!' Then POOF! She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Sid, where are you?' Sid yells back 'I'm over here in the *uss* willows.' Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Sid, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!'
 

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Twas the Night Before Christmas - Adult Style


'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa S**thead, whoa A$$h**e, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

A C**k ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will s**t,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a b***h!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"
 

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After 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood, the mailman was going to retire. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!

When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

'All of this was just too wonderful for words', he said; 'But what's the dollar for'?

'Well', she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; 'Screw him. Give him a dollar'. 'The breakfast was my idea!!'
__________________
 

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^^^^^^^^^^
hahahahahaha
 

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A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'
 
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