Charger Forums banner

3921 - 3940 of 4041 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,118 Posts
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his
priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together,
but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again for your penance, say five
Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then
walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then
started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over
to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor
box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
__________________
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,118 Posts
A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married.

On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,... I am still a virgin."

The startled groom says "How can that be? You've been married 3 times before."

The bride responds:

"Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

"My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

"And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was...............God I miss him
__________________
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,118 Posts
There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.

"What condition does he have?" the student asks.

"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"

"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,612 Posts
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, 'Give the ballerina a drink!'

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, 'I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?''

As far as I'm concerned', the drunk replied, 'any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,474 Posts
Little Hodakio

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some
American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodakio, a bright foreign
exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry,
1775," he said.

"Very good! -- Who said,' Government of the People,
by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth."

Again, no response except from Little Hodakio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863".

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult -- Who
said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your
country'?"

Once again, Hodakio's was the only hand in the air and he
said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961".

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be
ashamed of yourselves. Little Hodakio isn't from this country and he
knows more about our history than you do".

She heard a loud whisper:"F_ _ k the Japs".

"Who said that? -- I want to know right now!" she angrily demanded.

Little Hodakio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945".

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke".

The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! -- Now who said that?"

Again, Little Hodakio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991".

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck
this!"

Little Hodakio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and
shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! -- If you
say anything else -- I'll kill you!"

Little Hodakio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying
against him, 2004".

The teacher fainted.

As-the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh
shit, we're F--ked!"

Little Hodakio said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008, when Obama was
elected".

Lol Big John
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,474 Posts
Here is another


These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you s ------- me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

This is some funny S#!t

Big John
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,118 Posts
'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his a$$, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa S*ithe*d, whoa A$$hole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my a$$,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

A c**k ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will s**t,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his a$$ and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a *****!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,612 Posts
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,474 Posts
Subject: BILL & SATAN


A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation
was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at
the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for
the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get
away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for Bill Clinton who sat calmly
in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to
Bill and said, "Do you know who I am?"

The Clinton replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the calm as a clam Clinton .

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned Bill, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for
all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said Bill.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

Bill Clinton calmly replied,

"Been married to your sister for over 30 years."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,612 Posts
^^^^^
Love it!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,118 Posts
>> > > >Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to
charge
>> > > >around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting
up
>> > to
>> > > >maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was
one
>> > > >sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and

>>some
>> > > of
>> > > >them actually joined in.
>> > > >
>> > > >One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened
and
>> > > >Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!,"
he
>> > > >shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that
thing?"
>> > Ethel
>> > > >fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper
and
>> > held
>> > > >it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
>> > > >As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird
>> > > >Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you
got
>> > proof
>> > > >of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink
>>coaster
>> > > >and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way,
Ma'am."
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped
out
>>in
>> > > front
>> > > >of her, Butt-
>> > > >Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand. "Oh, good
>> > grief,"
>> > >
>> > > >yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too." The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
 
3921 - 3940 of 4041 Posts
Top