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"You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.

"I know it," said the old gentleman. "I've really got only one complaint - my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?"

The doctor's mouth dropped open. "Your what?!" he gasped.

"My sex drive," said the old man. "It's too high, and I'd like to have you lower it if you can."

"Lower it?!" exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. "Just what do you consider 'high'?"

"These days it seems like it's all in my head, Doc," said the old man, "and I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can."
 

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CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
 

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One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"
 

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Class Reunion
Husband goes with his wife to her high school reunion.
After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.
The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.
Wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!

Big John
 

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A farmer and a pet rooster went everywhere together. One day they went to a movie and as the farmer got close to the ticket window the clerk said, "I'm sorry but you can't take animals into the theater." The man looked sad and said "But this is my pet rooster, Clucky. He goes wherever I go. "Oh, I understand.” but if that is the case "you should not come in either." The farmer sighed and said, "Well this time I will leave him in the truck!” So the farmer went around the corner and stuffed Clucky down his pants. He then went back, got his ticket, went into the theater, and sat down next to two old ladies. About halfway through the movie Clucky started struggling so the farmer unzipped his pants to let him stick his head out. The first old lady saw this and turned to her friend and whispered, "Patsy, you’re not going to believe this but the man next to me has just unzipped his pants and let his thing out." Patsy turned to her friend and said, "Well just ignore him. Besides, at our age, we've seen plenty." "Well normally I would agree with you, but this one is eating my popcorn!"
 

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* If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

* If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

* If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.

* If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

* If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

* If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton- John Newton John.

* If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

* If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

* If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

* If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

* How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

* If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

* Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

* If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

* If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

* If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

* If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then Mr. Lucky, then Martin Short, then football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy.
 

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Little Joanie attended a horse auction with her father.
She watched as her father moved from horse to horse,
running his hands up and down the horse's legs and
rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Joanie asked, 'Dad, why are you
doing that?'

Her father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,
I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good
shape before I buy.

Joanie, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'
 

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty

badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the

body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer were

sent for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him

over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope,

ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he

brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer

took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real

bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it

ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a$$holes."

"What? He had two a$$holes! said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two a$$holes. Every

time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two a$$holes.”
__________________
 

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Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden . . . POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
THEN POOF! She was gone.
After Dave got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the p***y willows."
Dave yells back... "DON'T SWING, FRED!!! For the love of God, DON’T SWING!!!"
 

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A man is stranded on a deserted island, all alone for ten years. One day a gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba suit arrives at the island. She comes up to the chap and she says, "How long has it been since you had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he answers. She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you had a whisky?"

He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a bottle of malt whisky and gives it to him. He takes a long swallow and says, "Wow, that is fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"
 

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Little Johnny runs into the bathroom just as his mother is stepping out of the shower and curiously points to her triangle of hair and asks: "Mommy what's that?"

Somewhat flustered she quickly replies: "Well dear that is my sponge." Content with her answer off he goes...Later he runs into the living room and asks "Mommy may I play with your sponge?" again his mother is flustered and quickly states "Why, no you may not, I lost it." O.K. this pacifies him and back out to play. Later Johnny races into the kitchen yelling "Mommy, I found the sponge, I found the sponge." Confused the mother asks "You did and where did you find it?"

Johnny proudly stated "The maid has got it and she is washing Daddy's face with it."
 

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Young vs. Old
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.



He put up a sign outside that said: "Dr.Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."



Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr.Geezer's clinic.



Dr. Young: "Dr.Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"



Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back.That will be $500."



Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."



Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.



Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see anything!"



Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)



Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!



Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."



~~~~~ MORAL OF THE STORY~~~~~~:--



Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean you can outsmart an "Old Geezer"
 

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Ed & Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having ****tails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,

"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
 

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FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
 

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I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
 

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A husband goes to the laundry to wash his favorite sweatshirt and yells out "What setting do I use?"

The wife asks him, "what color is it and what does it say?"

He replies, "Blue and it says COWBOYS."

She yells back "HOT WATER AND 5 CUPS OF BLEACH!"
 

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Ex Wife!


Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the
garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars along with your gun collection.

Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"



Tom's reply: "I wasn't.........."
 

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Two New Ears!


A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good surgeon in Sweden and went to him.

The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "Yes, I can put you right."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.

The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You swine, you gave me a woman's ears."

"Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's."

"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!"
 

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The Nine Important Men in the Life of a Woman

1. THE DOCTOR: because he says, "Take off your clothes"

2. THE DENTIST: because he says, "Open wide"

3. THE HAIRDRESSER: because he says, "Do you want it teased
or blown"

4. THE MILKMAN: because he says, "Do you want it in the front
or the back"

5. THE INTERIOR DECORATOR: because he says, "Once it's in,
you'll love it."

6. THE SHARE BROKER: because he says, "It will rise right up,
fluctuate for a while and then slowly fall back again"

7. THE BANKER: because he says, "If you take it out too soon,
you'll lose interest"

8. THE HUNTER: because he "Goes deep in the bush, shoots twice
and always eats what he shoots"

9. THE PHONE COMPANY GUY : because he says : "Would you
like it on the table or against the wall?"
 

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Hanging by my boob

While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too soooo…… I listened as the lady told her story.

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."

"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin.
Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry!
The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed".
 
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