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  #3311  
Old 01-12-2013, 08:15 PM
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John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of laxatives and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted laxatives and told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Laxatives won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
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  #3312  
Old 01-13-2013, 09:08 AM
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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale
'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted
to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping.'


'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover
security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a big Bull****ter.
He's never been out of the yard'
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  #3313  
Old 01-13-2013, 07:40 PM
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A little girl was reading a book with her grandfather, and every once in while she would touch her grandfather's wrinkly face and then touch her own. One time she ask him,” Grandpa, did God make you?" The old man replied,” Yes, he made me a long time ago.” The little girl questioned him again,” Grandpa, did God make me?" The old man again replied,” Yes, he did, not too long ago." The little girl then said,” God’s getting better at it isn't he?"
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  #3314  
Old 01-14-2013, 08:29 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jackyy View Post
Yesterday I was at my local Food Store buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jackyy View Post
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale
'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted
to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping.'


'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover
security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a big Bull****ter.
He's never been out of the yard'
LOVE these two!!!
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  #3315  
Old 01-14-2013, 02:38 PM
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Gun Control. It already has started at Cabela's



There was a bit of confusion at the Cabela’s Sporting Goods store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."



Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.



When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.



I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer! I STILL DON'T THINK I LOOKED THAT BAD.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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  #3316  
Old 01-15-2013, 07:06 AM
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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands."

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
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  #3317  
Old 01-17-2013, 03:18 PM
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Phil goes to Europe and leaves his favorite dog with his brother James. while in Europe, Phil calls James to check on his dog and asks: "so James, hows my favorite dog doing??" and James very tersely says

"Your dog is dead" "


What??" says Phil "you can't just tell someone their favorite dog is dead without a warning, you have to ease them into it."


"How" says James. "Well, the first day i call, tell me my dog is on the roof" remarked Phil "tell me the dog is going to be fine and not to worry.


The next day, when I call to ask about my dog, tell me thatyou were about to get her down, when it junpped off of the roof and broke its leg, tell me the doctors say it will be ok,but it will have to stay at the vets for a while. Are you getting all of this???" "Yes" says


James" "Good." remarks Phil. "then the next day when i call back, tell me that there was severe internal bleeding that the vet didn't pick up and that my favorite dog died at 2:00 this morning. that way it won't be such a shock to me. Got it??"


"Yes." "Good, so, hows Grandma doing?" asks Phil.


"Well..." James replies "she's on the roof"
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  #3318  
Old 01-17-2013, 04:37 PM
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R/T MUSCLE R/T MUSCLE is offline
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My Charger: 2010 R/T with road and track group package
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CAR KEYS
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.


His theory is that the car will be stolen.


As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.


I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.


Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.)


"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."


There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.

"Are you kidding' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!!!!!!

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."


He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."


Yep it's the golden years................



Big John
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  #3319  
Old 01-18-2013, 12:58 PM
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jackyy jackyy is online now
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A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door
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  #3320  
Old 01-19-2013, 06:04 PM
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jackyy jackyy is online now
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A husband was just coming out of anaesthesia after having surgery in the hospital, and his faithful wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes started to open and he quietly uttered, "You're beautiful."

He soon drifted back to sleep, and after awhile he woke up and said, "You're cute."

"What happened to beautiful?" she asked him.

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
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