Official Joke Thread (submerged)

[jackyy]

Originally Posted by Ron380

Thanks for keeping this going Jackyy!

You're welcome...I wish some of you guys would chime in with a joke or two along as I think I am about to deplete my joke library

[jackyy]

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive. 'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.

'Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'

'What happened?' asks the doctor.

'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.'

'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?'

"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again.

[R/T MUSCLE]

Hey jackyy, I copied three jokes that you posted and made a hit at my daughters house, Bloomingdals, the speeder and the highway patrol, and the best one was the maid wanting a raise in pay. We laughed our butts off.

Thanks Big John

[RTinWA]

Originally Posted by R/T MUSCLE

Hey jackyy, I copied three jokes that you posted and made a hit at my daughters house, Bloomingdals, the speeder and the highway patrol, and the best one was the maid wanting a raise in pay. We laughed our butts off.

Thanks Big John

Yeah, the maid wanting the raise one was hilarious LOL

Thanks jackyy!

[jackyy]

When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on Tampax, supersize please."

As if that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the store misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks."

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

[jackyy]

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

[jackyy]

How do you get fifty old women to yell the word "S**T" at the same time?

A: Have another one yell "BINGO"!!!

[jackyy]

Baseball in Heaven

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.


Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season.


They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.


One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.


"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.


"Of course it me," Bob replied.


"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"


"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"


"Tell me the good news first."


"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."


"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"


"You're pitching tomorrow night."

[jackyy]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said
Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."

[jackyy]

NEWS FLASH!

There will be no Christmas celebration in Washington, DC this year. Apparently they could not find three wise men.