One liners....

[moparknighthawk]

Post a one liner. This one courtesy of comedian Ron White. :lol:

"Did you ever take a crap so big your pants fit better?"

[HemiPowered5700]

"You know what you never see? A guy running full blast while taking a ****."

-George Carlin

[skeletonizer]

I am the funniest guy on the internet. :smoke:

[HemiPowered5700]

Al Gore is the funniest guy on the internet.

[goval]

I will rip your head off and **** down your neck!

-Clint Eastwood

[jackyy]

Ah yes, divorce...from the Latin word meaning "to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet".

-Robin Williams

[BlueKnights]

"I'm too old for this ****!"
Roger Murtaugh: Danny Glover

[Ron380]

"You keep using that word... I do not think it means what you think it means." Inugo Montoya


"It's not my fault!" "I've got a bad feeling about this." (every character in the Star Wars movies)

[MagnesiumPearlR/t]

Come with me if you want to live...

[MagnesiumPearlR/t]

chill out... D!ck wad...

[soccerbachelor]

"I don't play with myself, I was cleaning it once and it went off"

-Larry the Cable guy

[HemiChemi]

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
— Mark Twain

[skeletonizer]

"Sorry about that." Hagred, after kickng in Dursley's door.

[jackyy]

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

-Elizabeth Taylor

[dubya]

"Sticking feathers up your but does not make you a chicken."
-Tyler Durden, Fight Club

"You can put a cat in the oven but that don't make it a biscuit."
-Sidney Deane (Wesley Snipes), White Men Can't Jump

[jackyy]

"Remember, marriage is the number one cause of divorce"

-Red Skelton

[CHARLIE]

"Don't have a cow man" Bart Simpson

[CHARLIE]

"Where's the beef?" Wendy's commercial from the mid 80's

[Hideoutdodge]

That thing got a 'Hemi'?

[jackyy]

Raising teenagers makes you understand why some animals eat their babies

[chuck_michelle]

I actually voted for the it 87 gazillion dollars before I voted against it.

John Kerry

[dubya]

The king of one liners...Rodney Dangerfield

A hooker told me...not on the first date.

I could tell that my parents hated me...my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years...I didn't want to interrupt her.

[fluffykush]

I knowww huh

-George Lopez

[charginscott]

Sh#t in one hand and wish in the other - see which one fills up first

Boot , hell, I woundn`t trade even.
Trade this for than and something else to boot.

Artificial Intelligence is not match for natural stupidity.

[plymouth-truck]

"Take my wife... please!" - Henny Youngman

"Rectum hell, dang near killed him" - Unknown; Elementary School Joke

"I didn't know it was loaded!" - Any Spaghetti Western...

"Of all the things I've every lost, it's my mind I miss the most" - Can't remember...

[plymouth-truck]

"Pull my finger!" - Everyone's Father, Uncle, Grandfather... and a few Grandmas!

[charginscott]

The reason they invented Viagra was so that the older guys wouldn`t pee on their shoes.


I live in my own little world....but it`s ok because everyone knows me here.


You Wish.....

[plymouth-truck]

"My doctor told him I was fat"
I said I wanted a second opinion.
He said; "You're ugly too!" - No idea who

[plymouth-truck]

"Stop that or you'll go blind!"
I showed her... I only need glasses!

[plymouth-truck]

Adam to Eve: "Stand back.... I don't know how big this thing will get!"

[jackyy]

From a ER patient chart---" She was examined, X-rated and sent home"

[flyboi]

"Say Hello To My Little Friend!!"

-Scarface

[charginscott]

It won`t hurt...


It wll only hurt a little...


It will hurt you more than me...

[jackyy]

Love your neighbor.....but don't get caught.

---

[CHARLIE]

"Da plane, Da plane" Tattoo

[skeletonizer]

I did not have sexual relations with that woman. :lie:

[skeletonizer]

I thought I was wrong once, I was mistaken.

[plymouth-truck]

Everyone's favorite; "The check is in the mail".

"Young Frankenstein" - Marty Feldman (eyegor); "What knockers!"

"Young Frankenstein" - Teri Garr; "Would you like to have a roll in the hay?"

"Young Frankenstein" - Peter Boyle; (The Monster); "Putting on the Ritz!"

"Spaceballs" - Rick Moranis; (Dark Helmet); "Smoke if you got 'em"

"The Wizard of Oz" - Glinda the good witch; "Begone before someone drops a house on you!"

[plymouth-truck]

"generally I avoid temptation... unless I can't resist it!" - May West

[Aremel]

Nuke the whales!

Save a tree! Eat a beaver...

[plymouth-truck]

"Save a boyfriend for a rainy day... and another in case it doesn't rain" - May West

[plymouth-truck]

"Pizza is a lot like sex... when it's good it's really good, when it's bad it's still pretty good" - Unknown

[plymouth-truck]

"Politics, poli in latin means "many" & tics are blood sucking creatures = Many blood sucking creatures" - Voters Everywhere!

[plymouth-truck]

"They'll pay you cash, which is almost as good as money!" - Yogi Berra, AFLAC Commercial

[plymouth-truck]

"It ain't over 'til it's over" - Yogi Berra

"it ain't over until the fat lady sings" - ???

"It ain't over 'til I say it's over" - John Belushi, Animal House

[plymouth-truck]

From the movie "The Ref", starring Denis Leary & Kevin Spacey.
I highly recommend this "Christmas" Movie, Warning Language: R-Rated

"You know what this family needs???? A mute" - Denis Leary

"Would it be possible for you to shut the F--- Up!" - Kevin Spacey

"Lady your husband ain't dead... he's hiding" - Denis Leary

[wrestlingnrj]

Al Gore didn't invent the Internet, but he sure did make up global warming
-a t-shirt I saw

[jackyy]

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."

-Rod Stewart

[jackyy]

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood flow to run one at a time".

-Robin Williams

[jackyy]

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

[metgo]

"It depends on what the meaning of the words 'is' is."

-Bill Clinton

[CHARLIE]

"Is it here yet?" Charger Forum

[metgo]

"It depends on how you define alone…"

- Bill Clinton

[storm0122]

Clarkson on family cars
He may prefer roaring down roads in Mustangs, but here's Clarkson being nice about a lowly family car:

"Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."

[storm0122]

"A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it."
-Bob Hope (RIP)

[chuck_michelle]

'Al Gore says he invented the internet....but all the addresses begin with W"

George W Bush

[Ron380]

"Young Frankenstein" Gene Wilder: "Put... the candle... back!"

Sam Kinnison (RIP) "What's the Devil gonna do to me? I was MARRIED for THREE YEARS!"

[HemiChemi]

Dyslexics of the world: UNTIE!

[HemiChemi]

Save the whales... Collect the whole set!

[jackyy]

Never try to drown your troubles... Especially if she can swim!

[metgo]

I am not a crook

- Richard Nixson

[CHARLIE]

"eat my shorts" Bart Simpson

[CHARLIE]

"It's shrinkage" George Castanza from Seinfield

[CHARLIE]

"Beam me up Scotty" Jame T. Kirk. Star Trek, the original series.

[storm0122]

"Beam me up Scotty" Jame T. Kirk. Star Trek, the original series.

You know, that's just a myth. That exact line has never been said.

"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes."

- Billy Connolly

[metgo]

“I actually did vote for the $87 billion before I voted against it.”

-John Kerry

[MySRT8U]

"It's the truth, that you could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath I'd apologize, for bleeding on your shirt."

-Taking Back Sunday-

[metgo]

"Get off the 5k thread if you don't have 5k post"

- Metgo

[storm0122]

A savage appearance can strike fear in the hearts of the weak. You don't have to say a word.

- Sith Teachings

[metgo]

"I say let global warming happen, we'll grow oranges in Alaska"

- Dale Gribble (King of the Hill)

[HKLEVI]

"I'm not white, I'm a pale shade of blue."
- Billy Connolly

[storm0122]

Compassion is a fatal flaw.

[HKLEVI]

You can always put on more clothes when its cold, but you can only get so naked when it's hot.

- HKLEVI

[storm0122]

The feelings of the powerless mean nothing.

[metgo]

"I'll be back"

-The terminator

[Thad(deus)]

"Believing oneself to be perfect is often a sign of a delusional mind." - Commander Data

[blacoste]

"We're here to serve you, but we're not your servants." - Wise SitMan Ops Lead

[storm0122]

"Mmmm...donuts." - Homer Simpson

[danaM]

This is some Fu**ed Up repugnant Sh!+ - Samuel Jackson!

D

[HKLEVI]

http://i54.photobucket.com/albums/g94/hklevi/doh.gif - that guy

[Thad(deus)]

"Hey, you're that guy that you are!" - Phillip J. Fry

[Captain J]

Your a Daisy if you do! From my all time favorite movie, "Tombstone."

[HemiChemi]

http://www.chargerforums.com/forums/image.php?u=19369&dateline=1200364402

"I tawt I taw a putty tat!" :eek:
—Tweety Pie

[jackyy]

1st old maid to 2nd old maid "let's be frank with each other, you be Frank tonight and I'll be Frank tomorrow night."

[Ron380]

Your a Daisy if you do! From my all time favorite movie, "Tombstone."

I'm your huckleberry.

That's alright, I have two guns. One for each of you.

:grin:

[CHARLIE]

"the check's in the mail" Unk. author

[charginscott]

To get a better piece of chicken - you have to be a rooster. Seen at a local resturant.

[CHARLIE]

"May the force be with you" Obi Wan Kanobi

[jackyy]

By the time a man realizes that his father was usually right, he has a son who thinks he is usually wrong

[danaM]

Umm, I like em French fried pertators - Swing Blade.

[jackyy]

Behind every great man is a great woman, and behind every great woman is some guy staring at her ass!

[Enano]

a girl asked whats your sign
i said neon

[CHARLIE]

"I'll be back" Terminator

[jackyy]

Aging is When...Most everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work!

[jackyy]

It's OK to kiss a fool, it's OK to let a fool kiss you, but don't let a kiss fool you.

[jackyy]

Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.

[metgo]

"Luke, I am your father"

Darth Veder

[jackyy]

Never argue with an idiot, people listening may not be able to tell who is which

[BlueKnights]

'The word Free is just the word Fee with an 'r'.

[BlueKnights]

"Work is love made visible." Kahlil Gibran

[birddog]

During a physical exam.

Patient: Hey doc did you find anything up there?
Doctor: No -- looks clean.
Patient: Can you please call my wife and tell her that. She insists that my head is in there!

(I read that in some lists where doctors where exchanging funny comments made by patients. Most were "stupid patient" comments)

[jackyy]

If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

[HemiChemi]

One martini, two martini, three martini, floor...

[skeletonizer]

One martini, two martini, three martini, floor...

I think the line in your sig is the funniest thing typed... ever.

[HemiChemi]

I think the line in your sig is the funniest thing typed... ever.
Don't exaggerate. :laugh:

[jackyy]

"I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always"

-Red Skelton

[skeletonizer]

"I think I married this 11 year old girl for all the wrong reasons."

Chris Griffin

[BlueKnights]

I'm having a good time with Ms. Wrong while I'm waiting on Ms. Right.

[jackyy]

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, just talk in your sleep.

[BlueKnights]

What's love got to do with it.

[jackyy]

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,and still think they are beautiful.

[BlueKnights]

Beauty is in the heart of the beholder.

[jackyy]

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.

[metgo]

5 out of 4 people can't do fractions

[CHARLIE]

"Live long and prosper" Spock

[metgo]

Republicans believe every day is the Fourth of July, but the democrats believe every day is April 15.

-Ronald Reagan

[CHARLIE]

Republicans believe every day is the Fourth of July, but the democrats believe every day is April 15.

-Ronald Reagan

wow, i dont remember that one:smoke:

[metgo]

wow, i dont remember that one:smoke:

I heard it on some special when he died, it is my favorite :grin:

[jackyy]

Just think, if it were not for marriage, men would go through their entire life thinking they had no faults.

[metgo]

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

[REDNECK Charger]

Don't look at me in that tone.. :knockout:

[Thad(deus)]

"I sure like the yelling channel!" - mst3k

[jackyy]

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

[metgo]

100% of the shots you don't take don't go in.

-Wayne Gretzky

[Ksleigh]

There is no "I" in Team

[metgo]

There is no "I" in Team

But there is a "me" :laugh:

[Ksleigh]

Never Trust a Man with a Pig Farm
-Snatch

[metgo]

Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and enforcing tough emission standards from man-made sources.

- Ronald Reagan

[Ksleigh]

I want to thank the good Lord for making me a Yankee

- Joe Dimaggio

[metgo]

I haven't eaten at a McDonald's since I became President.

-Bill Clinton

[Ksleigh]

I've got an idea - an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I'm talking about.


-Peter Griffin

[metgo]

Oh, so they have internet on computers now!

-Homer Simpson

[Ksleigh]

Kazakhstan is more civilised now. Women can now travel on inside of bus, and homosexuals no longer have to wear blue hat.

-Borat

[Ksleigh]

would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I'd be like, HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!

-Eric Cartman

[metgo]

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

[Ksleigh]

Maury, I am out of control. Yeah, I use drugs. I can do what I waunt, biatch! Yeah, I have sex, and I don't use protection! It's my hot body; I'll do what I waunt! I don't go to school and I kill people! What-evah! I'll do what I waunt!

[metgo]

I tried marijuana once. I did not inhale

-Bill Clinton

[Ksleigh]

You had me at hello

[metgo]

You had me at fruit pies

- Bobby Hill

[Ksleigh]

I love the smell of napalm in the morning. it smells like victory

[metgo]

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

[Ksleigh]

It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a women's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.

[metgo]

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

[Ksleigh]

I just don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

[metgo]

It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.

[Ksleigh]

You know what they say: You can't teach a *** dog straight tricks

[metgo]

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

[Ksleigh]

Hell, everything's legal in Mexico. It's the American way

[metgo]

Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.

[Ksleigh]

Without evil there could be no good, so it must be good to be evil sometimes.

[Ksleigh]

Don't do drugs kids. There is a time and place for everything. It's called college.

[metgo]

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

[Ksleigh]

Well, I looked in my mom's closet and saw what I was getting for Christmas, an UltraVibe Pleasure 2000.

[metgo]

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

[Ksleigh]

I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is that you're perfectly healthy. The bad news is that you have cancer

[metgo]

Good news everyone.....

-Professor Farnsworth

[Ksleigh]

In patience comes great virtue

[metgo]

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.

[CHARLIE]

"let go my Eggo" 80's waffle commercial

[metgo]

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

[CHARLIE]

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

"They are GGGRREEEEEEAAAAAAAAAT" Tony the tiger

[metgo]

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

[CHARLIE]

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

"plastic or paper?" our local grocery clerk

[birddog]

"let go my Eggo" 80's waffle commercial

Sorry Charlie!

[metgo]

"plastic or paper?" our local grocery clerk

Don't say those words, they bring back bad memories.

[jackyy]

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once

[Ksleigh]

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that $hit

[HornedWildebeast]

Beware the letter "G", it's at the end of everything.

[jackyy]

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments

[plymouth-truck]

I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you. Or I could give you a hint and just beat the heck out of you!

[jackyy]

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have any film

[CHARLIE]

"Who are you going to call?" Ghost Buster

[metgo]

I hate now :(

-Metgo

[Ksleigh]

Puff, Puff, Pass

[metgo]

I came, I saw, I conquered.

[Ksleigh]

The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool.

[metgo]

Stupid is as stupid does.

[Ksleigh]

In mathematics you don't understand things. You just get used to them

[Ksleigh]

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

[metgo]

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

[metgo]

Ninety percent of the game is half mental

[jackyy]

A day without sunshine is like........night

[REDNECK Charger]

Not the brightest crayon in the box...:knockout:

[Ron380]

Man-Portable never specifies how many men.

[Ron380]

"I don't think so, Tim." :hairy:



"What in the wide, wide world of sports is goin' on here?!" :knockout:


:D

[metgo]

I give 100 percent 90 percent of the time.

[LoneStar]

“I wouldn’t mind doing that again now that I know I can live through it.”
-Huey Duck

[metgo]

To infinity and beyond!

-Buzz Lightyear

[LoneStar]

"A man has got to know his limitation."
- Dirty Harry

[metgo]

I was wondering why the frisby was getting closer, then it hit me.

[LoneStar]

If God did not intend for us to eat animals he would not have made them out of meat..!

[metgo]

If god hadn't intended for us to eat mean, he wouldn't have created bbq sauce.

[jackyy]

Fool me once, shame on you-Fool me twice, shame on me

[Ron380]

... Fool me 3 times, you're a dead man. :mad:

[LoneStar]

A kinder gentler machine gun hand.

[metgo]

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

[Chargeup]

What do you call a midget fortune-teller who has escaped from jail? - A small medium at large.

[jackyy]

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

[metgo]

Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name

[metgo]

Life is too short to be driving slow.

[HemiChemi]

Dyslexics are teople poo.

[Ksleigh]

Lesbians taste like chicken

[REDNECK Charger]

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer. :knockout: :knockout: :knockout:

[Ksleigh]

Pick up line::::

nice shoes, wanna f&*k??

[REDNECK Charger]

Tell your breasts to stop looking at my eyes..:knockout:

[jackyy]

Inside every old person is a younger wondering what the hell happened

[Ksleigh]

hope you kill every man, woman and child in Iraq, down to the lizards. And may George W. Bush drink the blood of every man, woman and child in Iraq.

-Borat

[plymouth-truck]

What's the fastest way to a mans heart? ... Through his chest with a steak knife.

[plymouth-truck]

"Hey! my eyes are up here!

[plymouth-truck]

The high you be getting from the crack don't last, I'd rather be OD'ing on the crack of her azz - Steven Tyler (Aerosmith)

[plymouth-truck]

We the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible, for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, for so little, we are now qualified to do anything, for nothing.

[plymouth-truck]

The future ain't what it used to be - Yogi Berra

[plymouth-truck]

You have to hand it to Thomas Edison, if it weren't for him we'd be watching TV in the dark. - Yogi Berra

[jackyy]

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

[Ksleigh]

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls…

-Dan Quayle

[plymouth-truck]

Insanity is hereditary, you get it from your children. - ???

Grandchildren are Gods reward for not killing your children.

The reason Grandchildren and Grandparents get along so well is they share a common enemy.

If I'd known having Grandchildren was so much fun, I'd have had them first!

[plymouth-truck]

A good mind is a terrible thing to lose - Dan Quayle

[metgo]

Tomorrow never comes.

[plymouth-truck]

"Take your hands off the car, or I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." - Charger Forum Readers

[metgo]

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

[plymouth-truck]

You're just jealous because the voices talk to me!

[plymouth-truck]

An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.

[plymouth-truck]

How do you know a politician is lying? . . . his lips are moving.

[metgo]

Capital punishment isn't for making examples, it's for making bad people dead.

[plymouth-truck]

Gravity, not just a good idea... it's a law.

[plymouth-truck]

"God is dead" Nietzsche
"Nietzsche is dead" God

[plymouth-truck]

A knife and two kind words, will get you more than two kind words.

[Ron380]

"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no substitute for a good blaster at your side, kid" Han Solo

[metgo]

The pen is mightier than the sword.

[HemiChemi]

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

[Ron380]

"Close" only counts in horse-shoes and hand-grenades!

[HemiChemi]

"Close" only counts in horse-shoes and hand-grenades!
...and nuclear weapons. :dead:

[Ron380]

No, because you don't even have to be close with those!


"Sure, we could have turned Hanoi into a self-lighted, glass-surfaced parking lot, but that wasn't the point." Vietnam-era US General...sorry, forgot his name.

[metgo]

Takes one to know one.

[Ron380]

I don't suffer from insanity... I revel in it! :laugh:

[wickedchargerrt]

wise man say forgiveness is divine but never pay full price for late pizza

[HemiChemi]

What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about? :errf:

[jackyy]

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor.

[wickedchargerrt]

aye, a true warrior never fights, but if must fight. . then make sure you win http://i32.tinypic.com/206bnrb.jpg

[Ron380]

Ahhh, yes, she was very special. Dam good cane-cutter too!

[wickedchargerrt]

i did not have sexual relations with that woman

[jackyy]

How come we choose our President from just two people and fifty for Miss America?

[wickedchargerrt]

How come we choose our President from just two people and fifty for Miss America?

because we're more interested in miss america. :wink:


YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH

[jackyy]

Wouldn't it be nice if when we messed up in life we could simply press'Ctrl Alt Delete and start all over

[HemiChemi]

Why didn't Noah swat those two damned mosquitoes? :fuming:

[jackyy]

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

[metgo]

i did not have sexual relations with that woman

It depends on what the word is is.

[CHARLIE]

"You are the weakest link, goodbye." the weakest link game show

[HemiChemi]

Did you hear about the lady who backed into the baloney slicer?


Disaster....

[jackyy]

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?